Warning: The following program contains scenes of graphic stupidity among four lifelong friends that compete to embarrass each other. Alyssa Gillies, star athlete, agreed to speak to a Hawk Headlines reporter to document and publicize her sports journey thus far in high school.

Q: What sports are you involved in?

A: Like most. If I had to choose a main sport, it would probably be bocce because when I was younger, I got a bad cold and my mommy told me the only way to get rid of it was to bocce. Bocce is now in my blood. My mom was a world star bocce athlete. I also enjoy the one with the legs.

Q: Running?

A: Yes.

Q: What keeps you motivated?

A: It is probably like my cat. He really keeps me going in all this. I walk in the house after a long practice and I am upset because I do not play as well as I usually do. I look at his dumb little face and I think about how I live in America in the year 2023, and that, um, I, that- I love my cat.

Q: Who is your favorite teammate and why?

A: If I had to pick a favorite teammate, it would be myself because in this world, we only have ourselves. There is no “I” in team, but I have the freedom of speech, so I can put an “I” in there if I want to, which is a crazy metaphor for living in America in 2023. 

Q: What is your favorite part of a long practice?

A: The best thing about long practices is getting one on one time with the ball. The coach really respects my craft. Sometimes he puts on music for me to focus. He usually puts on one of his playlists that includes the hit song “California Gurls.” This is weird because we are in America, not California.

Not to segue, but to segue. The “Tiktok ten” guy was trying to test my sports knowledge. There is no one out there that really has the same sports knowledge as me, so I had to go online to do it. His question was, “What North American country has the National Hockey League headquarters?” My obvious response was Minnesota. 

Q: What are your favorite teams?

A: My favorite teams are the New England Giants, the California 49ers and the Alaskan Bull Worms. I think because America is so diverse in 2023, we need teams that accurately represent America as a whole. 

Q: What started your interest in sports?

A: I started off with a strong passion to read, a strong academic drive. Around sophomore year, I actually discovered I cannot read and I am just really good at guessing. So, I thought about what you can do if you cannot read. No need read to do sport. I thought I’d try to dip my toes in the water

*awkward silence*

Let me write a poem: 

I like sport

Sport is cool

I throw touchdowns in the pool

Touchdown

Touchdown

Pool 

Pool

Touchdown

Touchdown

Hockey 

Pool

Life is short and sweet like my poem. Do sport while you can. I am already halfway there.

Q: Who are your favorite players?

A: That is a little personal, dontcha you think?

… My favorite player is everyone. They all deserve recognition. Not because they are good, but because they sport and I respect that. Sometimes you have to sport, even if you no good. 

*Looking at her phone*

What the hell is pink sauce?

Oh this is a true story, let me share: I was about to score the soccer ball in the other team’s goal. But, did you know Alyssa Gillies has no feet?

This is what Gillies’ teammates thinks:

Evan Moore: You know, she goes out there and gives it fifty percent. We can ask for fifty-one, but I am proud that gives ef- no- some effort. Anyway, I love my wife and Ian Youngs.

Reese Fernandes: When Alyssa goes out there, something new happens. It looks like she has been reborn. She looks like my grandma trying to answer the phone. She comes out there pulls up her socks to her knees, only one though.

Q: One knee or one sock?

R.F.: Precisely. Thank you Ian Youngs. 

Anonymous: Alyssa in sports is what motivated me to join Drama club. That and Ian Youngs. 

Lily Rosenblum: Alyssa does sports?

Fynn White: I think Alyssa is the best player since Ian Youngs. I have never seen someone with such mobility.

Devin Kiele: Probably the best basketball player/baseball player/volleyball player/bocce player. I wish I was that good.

Michael Strachan: Do it, why not?

Brain Babo: I didn’t even know Alyssa had a bocce career. 

Brandon Michie: Great. Very great. 

Casey Mulvihill: Oh. My. Alyssa is so sport-tasclar. I watched her play bocce. 

This is what Gillies’ coaches think:

Tom Simonetti: I love bocce. Alyssa Gillies would do so good with the little pallina. She would fight with her teammates. I think I know more about bocce than Ian Youngs. 

Jillian Jackman: I would love to play bocce against Alyssa. I think I could beat her. 

Christopher Misuraca: Alyssa and sports are in the same sentence?

Christopher Decker: Nuhhhh Who is Alyssa Gillies?

Momma Manning: Alyssa Gillies in sports? Her sport is poetry writing. She is a trophy winner in my book. 

Jessica Degennaro: Is she going to see this?

Ian Youngs: I bowled for about twenty years and played baseball for fifteen years. If you have an unhealthy relationship with sports, you should not do it. You have to find a healthy balance. 

And with that, Gillies’ sports journey has been described. 

For all our readers, April Fools! Alyssa Gillies is in no way an athlete, unless you count marching bands. Do not take anything in this article seriously, as you will be severely mistaken.

I hope this was a wonderful start to your spring.