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When Bats Attack

Published in Hawk Headlines, Volume VIII, Issue III

It’s that time of the year.  Weather is harsh, degrees are dropping, and those of us who are cold-blooded can’t help but hibernate in our house until the storm blows over. However, it looks like we are not alone.
Bats do not enjoy the frigid weather either, so they find human’s warm houses to creep into.
Don’t get me wrong, bats can help us when they are in our back yards. They eat maddening insects like blood sucking mosquitoes, pollinate plants, and provide many farmers with one of the strongest fertilizers known to man–guano.
But unless you want to wake up in the morning to find guano presents in your kitchen bowls, or a bat roasted in your state-of-the-art timed coffee maker, I would suggest keeping the bats outside.
However, it’s easier said than done.
One night when I was up late, I got an unexpected visitor.    A shadow on my wall forced me to spin around in my chair and spot a bat flying around in my room as if it were his.
Finding a bat in your house is like finding a mouse, if that mouse suddenly sprouted wings and scary teeth. But standing on a chair screaming for help will only make the bat fly into you, and I didn’t want to end up like the woman who drank bat roasted coffee and had to undergo 21 agonizing rabies shots. So I did what any terrified girl would do and ran for help into my brother’s room.
When in his semi-comatose state, he confused my exclamation, “There’s a bat in my room!” for “There’s a Louisville slugger in my room!” I was forced to wake up my mom.
But as soon as the word “bat” came out of my mouth, she frantically hid under her covers in fear that it would suck her blood or something. Moms and their crazy vampire fears…
I was now on my own to face down my demonic foe in a battle royale of human vs. beast.
By the time I got back to the other side of my house, the bat was exploring the room next to mine. So with caution, I locked myself in my room, but kept my eyes glued to my door.
Some people say that bats are more afraid of humans than humans are of bats. But I found this hard to believe as the bat squeezed its invertibrate self through the crack under my door and continued to swoop straight into my face.
My lion-heartedness subsided as I ran around in circles flailing my arms … I was out of there like a bat out of hell.
It was obvious that I needed back-up. My mom worked up the courage to grab a broom and start swatting the bat aimlessly as if it were just a fruit fly. With bed-head hair, wide-rimmed glasses, waist- high leggings, knee-high socks and all, my mom trailed the bat with vengeance and the soft bristles of a broom.
But when that strategy failed, my brother realized the bat that I was screaming about was not available at Sports Authority.
So, he stepped up to the plate as the man of the house, and demanded in a deep monotone voice, “Bat, get out of my house!”
And so it did. Respectfully, even. It flew out the back door that I opened for it ever so graciously. As it flew into the dark night, I wondered where bats go with no place to call home.
Finally, after Internet and neighborhood research about bats, I found that bats naturally live in dark mysterious shelters like caves, old buildings, and attics.
So, I think it’s time to stop and think: Will bulldozing the barn in your backyard destroy a bat family’s home?
If  you must knock down the rotting barn, websites like amazon.com and bestnest.com provide a variety of colors, shapes, and sizes of man-made bat boxes. By placing just one bat house, cottage, lodge, or haven in your backyard, you could single-handedly change the humans’ ruthless reputation.
Then again, if things like battling a bat, trying out the newest bat-brewed coffee, or waking up with guano between your eyes interests you, leave your windows open at night. But for those of you who prefer to hibernate alone, bat houses are made to hold up to 600 bats and are easily installed.